The Files You Have On Me...

The Files You Have On Me...

The boy who destroyed the world...

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...I've seen enough to know that beautiful things don't always stay that way...

[Oct. 4th, 2009|09:02 pm]

[	Current Location	\|	Batcave	]
[	mood	\|	tired	]
[	music	\|	'Scars' - Papa Roach	]

'Mis heridas me recuerdan que el pasado es real
Mi corazon esta abierto para poder sentir.'

I haven't written - really written - in this for a while. I am angry at the moment; angry with other people, angry with the road that I am walking down at the moment, angry with Fate, angry with circumstance and, most of all perhaps, angry with myself.

Right now I feel let down by the two people that I never would have expected to let me down. There are people that you almost expect to let you down, for example in all honesty, especially when looking back through things documentated in this, I always knew that I could never rely on you. So many times you let me down and I always knew it would end up like it did, I always felt that it was wrong for me and deep down I knew it but always went back out of a mixture of low self confidence and a fear of being alone. In hindsight I shouldn't have wasted so much trying to settle for something that clearly wasn't destined to be, second best, but I couldn't help myself and right now i do feel alone even though it's not so much you I miss but just what you were.

I digress, some people you know will let you down. With the majority of people you Hope that they won't let you down but when they do it doesn't surprise you, just reaffirms what you already knew about human nature and that slow realisation that at the end of the day people are only out for themselves. Having been working for over a year now I have learnt that when it comes down to it, people are only looking to themselves and that saddens me but it's true. So when the two people who I have always trusted the most start to let me down it does upset me, and it makes me angry.

Several weeks ago I spent money (that I don't have) and time off work, not to mention a lot of travelling to come with you. All the time that you spend talking about how amazing your friends from Sheffield are, that's fine but when it fucking came down to it how many of them came? That's not rhetorical, it's an easy question to answer: One. I have nothing against them but to be honest over the last year you have pretty much ignored us, and then your amazing other friends don't even make an effort. I do and you treated me with such distain; don't worry, I know how ashamed you genuinely about it but that doesnt matter. I expected the inside jokes, doesn't bother me as I am bigger than that, but I didnt expect the childish ignorance that she displayed for a lot of the time and I didn't expect to literaly be left out in the cold. We go back a long way, which just makes it worse. I love you, I really do. All I will say is pick your friends wisely because when you need them, when they need to stand up and be counted, who are you going to be able to count on?People who say they will but don't? Or people that will take the time to try? To make an effort? One day it's going to happen, just don't be surprised by the results if you pick the wrong path.

Then other person, well they let me down a lot. In little ways but still frustrating. In fact really so frustrating that I always now expect to be let down. It's become a running joke with some of my friends at work since I filled them in. But I shouldn't have to carry on in this way expecting to be let down. If you were in my position you would have given up a long time ago. I genuinely gave up a while ago, I really did. I thought maybe I was being a twat - maybe I am - but then it starts all over again and I just feel vindicated. I love you too, but again when you need people - which you will and you know it - don't waste time wondering why no one runs to help because I can tell you why.

Don't get me wrong, I am far far far from perfect. I am just as bad I am sure but on the whole I don't let you guys down i dont think, I just want to be happy and at the moment people who should contribute to that are actually countering this.

Please prove me wrong.

In other news, I feel so stagnant at the moment. Every day is the same but when you are stuck in a rut you are just that, Stuck. The more you try to fight it and climb out, the more you slip and the deeper you fall. That's why so many people pass by the wayside and live these boring, scarcely comfortable, lives. I dont want that but if that's what I am destined for - which I dont think I am - but if I am, I want to be able to turn around in ten years time and be able to hold my head up high telling myself that I gave it my best fucking shot and I did everything I fucking could to suceed. I cant do that right now but it's time to aspire. I have never really pushed for anything in my life, I have got through by trying at I would say 60% during school, between 10 - 70% at University and now 50% at work. Has to change, I have to back myself.

Maybe it's time to start over. It's never too late and maybe soon it can all be a fresh start. Time to make a fucking effort and walk into this world with my head held high.

Hope. Faith.

x

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