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The boy who destroyed the world...

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A lot of people never use their initiative because no-one ever told them to.. [May. 21st, 2009|11:28 pm]
The boy who destroyed the world...
[Current Location |Batcave]
[mood |tiredtired]
[music |How to Disappear completely - Radiohead]

Further note to self -

...No, it wasn't.

Now, so confused and not sure what to do. Has anything actually changed? No, yet I am trying to convince myself, against my better judgement, that it has. I vowed never to make the same mistake, somehow this time I don't think I will, but at the same time I will. Makes no sense; yet at the same time makes perfect sense, more sense than anything has ever made before.

On a separate note, I feel that I am currently wasting my life. God, Allah, the higher power, the code of energy, whatever particular concept or belief system you follow; one of/all of the above gave me intelligence, kindness, athleticism, wit, knowledge, independence. I think I was put here to do something, or to do more than what I am doing now. I don't know how to discover what 'it' is, I think that one day it will discover me. I have to make sure that my job doesn't grind me down to such an extent that I am too blind, lazy, relectant, ignorant to accept 'it'. I am waiting for that day.

I thought that things would be better, cured, I went through a lot of years of torment and fear because I was afraid. I stood up to that in the belief that it would be sorted for good, enable me to be normal because I have missed out on a lot. It's why I have no self confidence. At the moment, apart from last September, it hasn't worked. It's not the same kind of pain, but this is worse and I wish it would stop. Please make it stop. Thank you.

Hope. Faith.

x
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Kings... [Apr. 19th, 2009|10:08 pm]
The boy who destroyed the world...
Note to self -

...Is this what I have been waiting for?

x
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I'm about to see a million things I thought I'd never see before... [Apr. 19th, 2009|09:53 pm]
The boy who destroyed the world...
[mood |happyhappy]
[music |'Wonderwall (acoustic baby)' - Noel G]

...and I'm about to do all the things I dreamed of and I don't even miss you at all.

I always always write jumbled incoherent entries in here but that sums up the way that my life always seems in this state of flux recently. I always always write of hope and faith. It's always important to have hope and to keep your faith; without both of these then it's very easy to drop into a state of despair about even the smallest of life circumstances. I have never been good with hope and faith no matter how hard I try but I feel that I am now getting somewhere.

If I can't be happy right now then when the fuck can I be? The text message on Friday. Well, to be completely honest with myself it didn't really hurt to ignore it and that's amazing because it means that I am now done with you. Not only the concept of me and you, but you in general. I don't want you in my life...I always said that I wanted you in my life in some way, but now I realise that I don't and actually I want you the fuck away from me :) The callous and selfish way you have treated me shows that I am better without for whatever reason - I know you aren't really a nasty person - but I allowed myself to be treated like that and you allowed yourself to do so without a second thought. I saw you the other day in town and carried on walking. At the time I felt something, now I just realise that was nostalga and not replying to your stupid text shows I can now move on with my life. I don't need you and I hope that you move on too; I doubt you have had much trouble on that front.

People grow up and that is what I am doing. I am going to be moving out soon and I have met someone fantastic. It's still early days but I can feel something there; if nothing comes of it then I'll be sad but at least this has helped me move on from you.

I have more of a social life at the moment, keeping busy is good and as above who knows what will come of several things going on in my life right now. I hope that things carry on like this and get better; I have faith that this is going to be the case because I feel like I deserve it :)

Hope.Faith.

x
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...And our scars remind us that the past is real... [Mar. 29th, 2009|09:35 pm]
The boy who destroyed the world...
[Current Location |BatCave]
[mood |tiredtired]
[music |'Scars' - P Roach]

hmm, that title is quite important to me but in ways that aren't particularly obvious. It's about something physical, actual genuine scars, but also scars that are attached to something that affected me mentally to such a degree that at times I was moved to tears just thinking about it. I can never really explain it, i never want to think about it, that's in the past really but only one person really has any idea what I am on about and that's how it will stay for a while i should imagine. Just horrible, terrifying, really fucking scary actually and I wish that I had faced it years and years ago but I was too scared. I wonder if, had I done it years ago, things would be different. Probably not, but you never know.
I know you read this, or at least you used to read it anyway. Things aren't too bad right now, better than they have been. Last weekend was awesome, lov spending time with my best friend very important, he knows that even if I don't tell him he knows that he's the best ;) I am fed up work, I am so much better than this place but what can I do, I am too scared to move. Like Tim says in the office; At the moment, I'm on a 3. If I roll the dice, it could be a 6. Could also be a 1. Feed run down and hemmed in, just want to escape. Enjoy myself. Varsity seems a long way off, but I am so looking forward to it you wouldn't believe.
I don't miss you at all. Really, I don't. Fed up with being let down, fed up with second guessing and trying to mould myself to fit. Just not worth it. Like I said to one of your friends, I do love you deep down. And deep down, you love me too. But that just isn't enough sometimes, need more than that like a willingness to change slightly and make an effort. Think you might realise that one day, wonder what might have been because at one stage I would have done anything for you but that time is long gone and right now I don't lose much sleep over it. wish you well, you know I would have been good for you but now we will never know. I think the cowardice you showed recently kind of shows what you really think of me, and that's a shame because I know that really you are a good person. Take care, don't regret anything because everything is mainly down to your decisions anyway. I am moving on, trying to anyway and all the better for it.
wake up early. bus and Ipod. work. eat. speak on phone. send email. stare out window and wish I was somewhere else. go to gym. Bus and Ipod. Walk home. Eat. Sleep. Same again. Every day.
Still waiting, got Hope and faith but for how much longer...
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...Ode to summer... [Mar. 6th, 2009|09:58 am]
The boy who destroyed the world...
[Current Location |Bat Cave II]
[mood |tiredtired]
[music |'Total Immortal' - you know who]

ages ago I wrote, 'How many times can you let one person let you down before enough is enough?'

Well, I guess that I still don't know and the moral of the story is that I don't learn from my mistakes. It's one mistake I won't be making again. The really sad thing is that I knew what would happen, I didn't expect any different and yet I still allowed it to happen. How stupid am I.

I am so bored of everything right now, I need something different, need something to happen. I'm waiting. don't know how long for, don't know who or what I am waiting for but I am still waiting...
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Don't tell me that you're sorry cause you're not... [Dec. 29th, 2008|01:49 am]
The boy who destroyed the world...
[Current Location |Batcave]
[mood |weirdweird]
[music |'my fork in the road (your knife in my back' - Atreyu]

...when I know you're only sorry you got caught.

.It’s like you can’t go back
but knowing that just makes me want to call my friends
and tell them that I’m coming home.
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Are you thinking of me with ure lips pressed up against his skin does your body still scream my name [Nov. 4th, 2008|07:24 pm]
The boy who destroyed the world...
[Current Location |My fork in the road]
[mood |disappointeddisappointed]
[music |'A Death-Grip on yesterday' Atreyu]

Fuck me there must be more to life than this lol so so much more and I know I am still relatively young in the grand scheme of things but I just want to live. To do all the things I always wanted to do,with the people I have wanted to do them with. However, after messing things up big time with a certain person I don't think this will ever happen now lol Links like that don't just come and go, you have one, two if you are lucky during your life. Some people probably never feel that closeness, that connection. But it was there, i know it because I felt it. I felt it when I was young and didn't know any better. And I felt it a few months ago after a long period of disconnection when very quickly it was like nothing had changed and in fact nothing had apart from the fact that sex is involved now. and that is good and that is another reason why I know that it was a special as fuck connection and now it's all gone...and mostly my fault but not wholly my fault. What did she expect? She's like me, will never admit fault at all, but I think she is actually worse than me and will never in a million years admit any liabilty at all. And that is probably part of it. But yes, there must be so much more than this. I sit in an office and look out the window and this serves as a permanent remninder that there is a big wide bright organic joyous shitty horrible friendly callous world out there that is screaming my name so it can suck me up and spit me out, sometimes in good places and sometimes in dark shitty places but that's the gamble you take and that is life I suppose.i miss my friends, all of you, all over the U.K. My two Bristol friends who have always been there and I've never been perfect but I have always been proud to be your friend and this bond will last a lifetime till it's severed by death. And my Uni friends who showed me experiences and feelings and joy that I would never have felt and rescued me from total meltdown and I don't think they trully know that but they don't need to. And I miss her. and her. slightly. One more than the other and it's wrong that it is in this proportion but I doubt she cares. So many things to do, so little time. I wrote prevoiously of Hope and Faith.
Well here I am, and I'm still fucking waiting so hurry up life because I'm in a fucking hurry and so bored of being stationary that I'm making myself go backwards.
Hope?
Faith?

x
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...Hands Down (Simply put 'Fuck What Have I Done')... [Sep. 29th, 2008|06:33 pm]
The boy who destroyed the world...
[Current Location |BatCave]
[mood |sadsad]
[music |'11 am' - Incubus.]

'Who knows where I will be, where we all will be in a years, five years or even twenty years time. Scary to think lol. In the end of the day, we eat, drink, go to work at Axa, get through the days knowing that, like the few times this has happened before, I can get through this and that there are fantastic times head, but before then its gonna be really fucking tough.'

Taken from the journal of my Best Friend in the whole world because this paragraph sums up pretty much how I feel right now.

x
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...Your Lipstick, his collar, don't bother Angel, I know exactly what goes on... [Aug. 4th, 2008|10:29 pm]
The boy who destroyed the world...
[Current Location |Batcave]
[mood |thoughtfulthoughtful]
[music |Cute Without the 'E' (Cut from the team)- TBS]

.You wouldn't believe what of me you have.
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...an Irishman's Kitchen... [Jul. 27th, 2008|10:42 pm]
The boy who destroyed the world...
[Current Location |Batcave]
[mood |tiredtired]
[music |'Stay with me'- Finch]

...And I always thought, I would end up with you eventually...

x
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