|...And our scars remind us that the past is real...
||[Mar. 29th, 2009|09:35 pm]
The boy who destroyed the world...
|||||'Scars' - P Roach||]|
hmm, that title is quite important to me but in ways that aren't particularly obvious. It's about something physical, actual genuine scars, but also scars that are attached to something that affected me mentally to such a degree that at times I was moved to tears just thinking about it. I can never really explain it, i never want to think about it, that's in the past really but only one person really has any idea what I am on about and that's how it will stay for a while i should imagine. Just horrible, terrifying, really fucking scary actually and I wish that I had faced it years and years ago but I was too scared. I wonder if, had I done it years ago, things would be different. Probably not, but you never know.
I know you read this, or at least you used to read it anyway. Things aren't too bad right now, better than they have been. Last weekend was awesome, lov spending time with my best friend very important, he knows that even if I don't tell him he knows that he's the best ;) I am fed up work, I am so much better than this place but what can I do, I am too scared to move. Like Tim says in the office; At the moment, I'm on a 3. If I roll the dice, it could be a 6. Could also be a 1. Feed run down and hemmed in, just want to escape. Enjoy myself. Varsity seems a long way off, but I am so looking forward to it you wouldn't believe.
I don't miss you at all. Really, I don't. Fed up with being let down, fed up with second guessing and trying to mould myself to fit. Just not worth it. Like I said to one of your friends, I do love you deep down. And deep down, you love me too. But that just isn't enough sometimes, need more than that like a willingness to change slightly and make an effort. Think you might realise that one day, wonder what might have been because at one stage I would have done anything for you but that time is long gone and right now I don't lose much sleep over it. wish you well, you know I would have been good for you but now we will never know. I think the cowardice you showed recently kind of shows what you really think of me, and that's a shame because I know that really you are a good person. Take care, don't regret anything because everything is mainly down to your decisions anyway. I am moving on, trying to anyway and all the better for it.
wake up early. bus and Ipod. work. eat. speak on phone. send email. stare out window and wish I was somewhere else. go to gym. Bus and Ipod. Walk home. Eat. Sleep. Same again. Every day.
Still waiting, got Hope and faith but for how much longer...